Being pregnant again has been quite emotional for me. As much as I try to accept things for what they are, to explain things with research and knowledge, I am forced to recognize that I have virtually no control over how this turns out. I am so concerned about losing this wee little baby, it really clouds my ability to be excited and look forward to or enjoy my pregnancy yet. So, my warning is, this post is kind of dark and depressing. That's just where I'm at right now. I hope one day I'll look back on this and remember these early days with fondness and a renewed sense of appreciation for the child we brought into the world.
We had a scare yesterday... at 4am I got up to tinkle and I was spotting.
We called the doctor and they agreed to see me that morning. I got an exam and an ultrasound. Things looked like they had progressed since my first ultrasound, but we also didn't see a heartbeat yet (not completely alarming for only 6 weeks, but it sure would have been reassuring!). I was told to just take it easy and come back for my scheduled appointment next week. Back to more waiting.
Into Week 6... Still in the Danger Zone
We are a couple days into week 6 now, or as I like to call it, the Danger Zone. Miscarriage risk drops dramatically once you've seen the heartbeat. Like from 1 in 5 (about 20%) to just 5%. What a milestone... We're now a few hours short of a week away from that appointment. In the meantime, all I can do is hope, rest, try to manage my stress, and nourish/hydrate my body.
Speaking of Nourishing and Hydrating
It started off and on last week, feeling dizzy/nauseous... then I had a bad day, followed by a good day. And then two bad days. I think I can officially say I have morning sickness, y'all! So far, ginger ale is my best remedy! And when I'm able to eat a good amount, I feel pretty good for an hour or two afterward.
Flying Solo for a Few Days
Although he almost decided not to go at the last minute because of our little scare yesterday morning, my sweetie has officially left on a much deserved guys trip what I affectionately call his "Nerd Convention" in Seattle - I am really, really glad he gets to go on this trip, and I hope that I can keep things together here so he doesn't stress while he's there. Of course, when this trip was planned/booked, we had no idea I'd be newly pregnant!
I think the hardest thing so far has been not talking about it/trying to act like everything's normal. I've had to tell some white lies here and there, and it's so hard. But I'm so guarded to allow myself to feel excited, and I'm not sure others would really understand that, so we decided it's best to wait until we at least have seen the heartbeat. We'll start by telling our parents, and then handle others on a case by case basis until we're really ready to announce to the world!
What I'm Loving
I'm loving seeing my sweetie's excitement - although I have to admit it scares me as much as it makes me happy, because it would be so heartbreaking to accept defeat again, and to see that that glow of excitement disappear from his eyes.
In an effort to end on a positive note, the other thing I'm loving is talking to baby. It's the one thing I do to try to manifest a positive attitude. I like to talk to my little bean about how much we want to meet him/her in April. I talk about all the things I wish for him/her. I talk about listening to music, making art, feeling sand and grass beneath our toes, learning to walk, talk, going to school and making friends. This is a dream come true for me.
Sweet dreams, little bean (literally, you're about the size of a lentil, I've read!). We love you already.
Oh sweetie, I broke into tears reading about your scare. I'm so glad we know the outcome now but I just want to give you a big hug for having to go through that.
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