Do I Really Get to do This All Over Again?

Written 3/19/2018
4 weeks, 1 day (baby is 1mm long)

I found out today that I'm pregnant again!

I had suspicions this time. I guess a mother's intuition really is a real thing. I was scared of letting myself get excited. I was scared it was too soon - we had only JUST started talking about "maybe we could do this one more time..." and several conversations ended with us just not exactly sure we really wanted to. But all last week I was also painfully aware that there was a pang of sadness when I reminded myself I might NOT be pregnant... and I knew then and there that this was something I really wanted.

All throughout my first pregnancy, I envisioned our family as a family of FOUR. I never imagined that would be my only time to experience first heartbeats, first kicks, or hiccups. After Sam was born, I couldn't imagine going through the labor, sleepless nights, breastfeeding challenges, the reflux and the crying, all over again. Motherhood, particularly in the beginning, was much more difficult than I imagined - difficult in a "I thought I would be better at this" way. But after he turned one, I also couldn't quite wrap my head around the fact that I would NOT ever get to do it all over again. As we approach his second birthday, I am amazed at how fast this last year has gone. The newborn challenges pale in comparison to the highs felt when our son conquers a new skill, or comes to us for comfort.

I looked around me, and so many of my peers were surviving, even thriving, with second (sometimes, third, fourth or fifth) babies. Pregnancy announcements were joyous but also stung a little. I felt like I wanted to give Sam the gift of a sibling. I know there's no guarantee they would grow up to be best friends, but wasn't it worth a shot? I longed to feel the flutters (and later, jabs) of a life inside of me. The anticipation of meeting that little human that literally formed as a genetic combination of my husband and me. There is no greater gift in life than watching your child develop his own personality, his own sense of humor, his own likes and dislikes... why wouldn't we want to do this again, just one more time?

Well today, my own joy - and that of the daddy-to-be - was realized.

A few days ago, Brian unwrapped this fortune. I quietly saved it "just in case".
Today, I presented him a box with this fortune on top and the positive pregnancy test inside.
His excitement was palpable. I am so happy to be on this journey together.
A new little baby is scheduled to arrive in November/December 2018.

I cannot wait for the chance to be 'Mama' to another little miracle. I fully expect this time to be completely different from the first. But, I am not the same person I was when we brought Sam home. In addition to experience, I have gained confidence, patience, and the kind of "knowing" that only parents-to-be who already are parents have. I know that Brian will continue to love me despite my shortfalls. I know that he is the most incredible husband and father I could wish for. I know that our children do not expect us to be perfect. I know that we have the capacity to love another child as much as we love Sam.

For now, we will have to be content with smitten smiles and loving touches, the kind exchanged between two people who know the biggest little secret. We will offer regular, tiny wishes to our child, for good health and proper development, and for a healthy pregnancy.